My Little Sister is Married?!

Can't Live With 'em, Can't Live Without 'em

Well, Here we go again! My husband "missed a test" so he's back in the county jail and most likely off to prison. This last time he went through a rehab for a month and by the time he had graduated, I had graduated to a whole new level of drug use and while reaching my new low I had picked up a few friends that my hubby didn't exactly approve of. I completley understand that I made some really bad mistakes and if he doesnt want to be with me because he carries too many resentments, then so be it. I'm scared of this world with out him. The truth is he is almost like a parental figure in my life. He's 20 years older than me, he tries to take care of me, in most respects he was a great guy. Here's the catch; this is an M.D. ( Master Of Deciet) and can spin a story so well the president should put him on the payroll. This leads to many, lengthy prison stays, while I love my man dearly, the drugs the lonliness and feelings of abandonment I allow to overwhelm me and I offten find myself in situations unbecoming for a wife.

A Little Sleep Coudn't Hurt!

Man, I have been awake for three days now and it is time to slow my roll, rest my neck and take a sometime to catch a few winks. There only so much rippin' and runnin' one can do before you feel like your going to lose your mind. I'm getting a little delirious right now cause I'm so sleepy. Got to wrap this one up quick; if I dont I might wake up with my face planted in my keyboard.

Art History - Camille Claudel

Today in my Art History class, my professor finally lectured on something I was truly interested in. Camille Claudel was an art student during the late 1800's in France. During this time female sculptresses were not very well accepted as sculpting was considered man's work. Regardless Camille was very good at sculpting. Rodin was a well known sculptor in France and he was giving a lecture at the school Camille was attending. Camille showed Rodin some of her work and he was impressed so he petitioned her to work in his workshop (basically doing all the hard parts of his sculptures, which he got all the credit for). Rodin was living with a woman and had several children with her, but despite this long term relationship; he was attracted to Camille and they become lovers. Camille was 24 years younger than Rodin. She continued working in his workshop and carrying on this forbidden relationship for 15 years, all the while Rodin promised he would leave the women he was living with. You might of guessed he never did leave her. And after 15 years of doing his dirty work and giving him the best years of her life she finally left him. After she left she completed maybe 3 sculptures, before her broken heart overcame her and she ultimately lost her mind. Her older brother institutionalized her for the last 30 years of her life and she never worked again. Tragic isn't it. I guess I found this story interesting because my husband is about twenty years older than me and I know what it feels like to be madly in love with an older man.

I just want to get high

Some days like this day, I just want to get high!

The phrase pipe dreams takes on a whole new meaning. I mean I still have dreams about smoking. I wake up in the morning and it takes me a minute to adjust. These dreams just keep reminding me that no matter how long I stay clean, I'm still just a phone call away from getting high. When I'm out anywhere in Santa Rosa, Rohnert Park or Windsor all I can think about is where the nearest dope house is. I guess my real question is, how can I change my mind, the way I think, the way I reason? Why is it that every time I get money, I see it at rocks on a scale. It's one thing to change your lifestyle, but it something totally different to change your mind.

Dealers, Drugs and Demons